Boundaries

I have had many conversations over the years around boundaries. The last few weeks it is a theme amongst many of my business clients, as they are struggling with setting boundaries, boundaries not being respected by others or people who have no boundaries.

If you are not setting your boundaries, others will.

We want to help, to offer our services, make money to support ourselves and our families, that we often accommodate people to the detriment of ourselves.

This can lead to burnout, resentment, fatigue and anger. Not a great place to be, especially offering our services.

It is your responsibility and part of your job to set your boundaries, to honour them and communicate them.

So why do people lack boundaries?

There are many reasons.

Fear of how other people will react to our boundaries and not wanting to be confrontational.

Lack of self-worth and self-respect.

Inability to say no.

Don’t know how to communicate or set your boundaries.

Constantly giving your power away to other people.

Expecting others (people, organisations, government) to set rules for you, rather than listening to your own inner guidance and do what is right for you.

Needing to please other people.

So what does boundaries look like, feel like, and sound like to you?

This will depend entirely on you.

Your energy. The amount of money you want to earn. How much work you are able to physically do and be healthy. Your other commitments around family, your partner, friends, social and sport etc. What you will tolerate and what you won’t. What your values are and what is important to you.

If you are setting new boundaries, then others may not like that, as they are used to you being a certain way that benefitted them. 

It is not your problem how they react and is totally outside your control.

Each time you stay firm in your boundaries, you are sending a clear message that you value yourself. The more you do this, the easy it gets and the more people will respect you.

Do you know that you have to set a new boundary in life or business?

I would love to help you uncover the underlying belief systems and emotions that are holding you back. Bookings through my website.

You truly are magnificent.

You are the one you have been waiting for

When I settle for less than I deserve, the collective settles.

When I accept crappy behaviour, then the collective shows me crappy behaviour.

When I raise my own personal standards, the collective rises too.

When I have great boundaries as an individual, the collective has better boundaries.

When I focus on truth, the collective reveals the truth.

When I heal my trauma and my wounds, the collective heals.

When I raise my vibration and frequency, the collective rises.

When I love myself and those around me, the collective fills with love.

When I own my power, the collective is more powerful.

This is how it works.

This is how powerful you are!

If you are wanting change in the world, then you get to create that change.

You dream it.

You feel it.

You breathe it.

You action it.

You do the work.

You are the one you have been waiting for.

Exciting times are here.

You truly are magnificent.

The Precious Pause

As we head into what is often a crazy time of year, it is important to remember that we always have a choice in the way we respond. Often when we are being challenged, we are triggered or feeling stressed and overwhelmed, we have this perception of not having any choices and we react from this place of lack.

Our stress means we often become super focused on the problem and reactive to whatever has triggered us.  I often hear from my clients that they hate the feeling of being really reactive and want to know of ways that they can help themselves to become more responsive rather than reactive.

I use a really simple technique when I become triggered and I have taught this technique to many clients.  It is called the precious pause. Here is what you do.

Pause.

Take a deep breath in.

Exhale making an audible sigh.  This lets your nervous system know that it is safe.

Repeat until you feel present in your body. I usually say around 3 times, but you can do as many as you like or feels right.

Simple right?

From this place you can start to observe your body, your reactions, your projections and how you are feeling. By observing your own energy, you can learn what your reactions and triggers are and you can start to retrain yourself to start responding rather than reacting.  This allows you to take back you power.  It also allows you to take a step back and see the different options that are present for you.

It is important to remember too, that you are human and sometimes even the most Zen of people will react in a way that they don’t like. 

Forgive yourself. 

It is not like a switch that you can switch on and you become a monk that always knows how to respond in any given moment. (Oh and by the way even the Dali Lama gets angry and reacts, so be kind to yourself) It really is a journey, and each moment you can learn something new.  

We often feel obliged this time of year to perhaps do things that we don’t really want to do or hang out with people who are really not very nice. If you don’t want to do something, then please say No.

No is a complete sentence. 

No explanation necessary.

As always, remember,

You truly are magnificent.

Changes and the EGO

When we make any changes we are going into uncharted territory.

For some this shift will mean a feeling of relief and excitement.  For others, this will mean an increase in anxiety. 

Your fear response kicks in and you start to question if making a change is such a good idea.

Why the different responses?

We are unique so your response is also going to be unique, but generally if someone has had a negative response then the EGO has come into play. 

Our EGO’s are amazing with the crap that they can come up with to keep you safe.

Your dysfunction, even though it may be terrible, can be like an old friend.

You know it so well.

Your EGO can keep you safe in that space even if you are miserable.

When you consciously decide to make some changes, the EGO doesn’t always like it, because it has been the boss for a long time and will do anything to not feel discomfort that the changes you consciously choose to make could bring.

Your EGO doesn’t know what will happen next and that scares it.

Here is the thing.

Anything new will cause a nervous or anxious response in the body.

This is normal!

This response helps us to be present, aware and ready to take action.  

Your body does not know the difference between anxiety and excitement.  It is the conscious mind that gives the label of negative or positive to the subconscious mind.

This means that if you are making changes or doing something new you can choose to be excited about it.

You can make the change easier for you by connecting to your why. 

Why are you making these changes? 

How are they going to benefit you in the long run? 

This will also help the EGO feel safe, as it then has a point of reference rather than looking into the scary abyss of not knowing.

You can always tell if you are sitting in your EGO or not by how it feels. EGO constricts, controls, feels like you are being pushed and is coming from a place of fear.  Not in EGO or being in the love state is expansive, flows, and feels like you are being pulled along and you are coming from a place of love.

Change is a constant in your life, and the less you resist it, the easier it is for you.

If you need support in making changes in your life, or needing clarity hit the book now button to book in a session.   

Always remember.

You truly are magnificent.

Sometimes a whisper is more powerful than a roar.

On the weekend I was getting a bit ranty and frustrated with the universe and voicing this to a friend of mine.  She asked me if on some level I needed to get all angry and ranty, to know that the universe is listening.

What a great question.

We moved onto other things but, this question stayed with me and I journaled about it today.

I realised that I feel powerful using my voice, so when I feel that things aren’t flowing like I want them to, if I feel insecure or afraid, that if I get ranty, then I get to feel powerful.

I am in control.

I am brave.

I am powerful.

I am doing something.

But this is an illusion.

I realised today that silence and being is just as powerful.

The more I am in my centre, the more I am me, the more I surrender and trust, the more powerful I am.

Using my voice is of course important, but so is being silent and sitting in the space of my magnificent being, even if that sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable.

Knowing and trusting that the universe hears my whispers, my silent prayers and dreams even clearer than when I am all demanding and ranty.

Maybe my power is not only in the words I use, but the space I hold, my vulnerability and my energy.

By being me.

That my true power is in the quiet when I can hear the whispers of the universe, reminding me how loved and supported I truly am.

You truly are magnificent.

Perception of failure and quitting.

I’m no quitter

Failure isn’t an option.

I hate to fail.

Quitting is for the weak.

Bullshit!

Our fear of failure and perception of quitting often means we stay in shit situations, crap relationships and friendships, jobs etc for far too long that is healthy for us. Our EGO state says that if we leave or quit then we are a failure or have failed. So instead of moving on, we stay the same because of this false belief from our EGO that to stay is safer, to keep going despite all the signs saying it isn’t working is better than trying something new, that what is known is safer than the unknown.

This is not always a healthy belief to have and keeps us small and imprisoned in the illusion of fear.  The most successful people have failed more times than most have even attempted, and they walk away when it no longer feels right.

There are times to stay and there are times to quit. This is where we need to challenge if this is our EGO state, a belief and fear that is keeping us in situations.

What am I afraid of?

Am I afraid to move on?

Do I fear failure?

Do I fear judgement from myself and others?

Do I believe that I don’t deserve anything better?

Let me say here that I get it.  I stayed in a relationship that I knew very early on wasn’t right for me, with a man who cheated because I was scared.

Scared that people would judge me a loser for it not working.

Scared people would think I was a quitter.

Scared that I was a failure.

Such bullshit!

When I did leave nobody thought that of me, and if they did, it was none of my business. Looking back now I am really grateful for that relationship as it changed me and challenged many beliefs I had and made me adjust the path I was on, onto the path that felt far better for me. 

I was no longer in energetic alignment to that relationship.  It was the best decision to move away from it. It meant that I gave myself permission to say yes to me, and to learn discernment and to follow my intuition and leave other friendships and situations that were no longer in alignment for me.

I no longer see failure as a bad thing. 

It is an opportunity to learn, to grow and to readjust your course.

It is an opportunity to invite something better into your life, something that is more in alignment to your energy and what you are needing.

It is an opportunity to follow what lights you up, what feels good.

It is an opportunity to say yes to you.

You truly are magnificent.

You are home.

You are more than you have ever been allowed to believe. 

You are more than your body, the bits you hate. 

You are more than the roles you play, the job you do, the money you have or don’t have. 

You are light and dark and weird and wonderful.

You are unique.

So unique that there is nobody else like you on this planet, the universe, the multiverse, or beyond time and space.

It is time to stop being beige and blending in to the background, no longer able to be seen. 

It is time for you to be colourful and full of life and seen in all your magnificent glory. 

It is time for your unique energy and light be fully in this world. 

Only you can be YOU, so start living and embodying YOU fully. 

Stop being afraid of your power.

You are powerful.

Stop being afraid that you are too much or not enough.

You are perfectly you.  

Stop being afraid that no one will love you.

You are love.  

Stop believing that there is something wrong with you.

Those experiences make you YOU, make you human.

Stop trying to conform and do what is expected, it only makes you boring.

Start being the magnificent being that you are, that you choose to be in this lifetime.  

Start to love and accept yourself.

Start to embrace who you are.

Start to love fiercely and bravely. 

Do what lights you up. 

Do what you love. 

Be the person you so dearly want in your life, the one you have been searching for. 

Connect to your inner wisdom, your power, your infinite being.

Embrace all of your amazing body.

It allows you to experience so much.  

Embrace the magnificent being that you are.

It is time magnificent one.

You are the one you have been waiting for. 

You are home dear one. 

You are home. 

You truly are magnificent.

What if it was easy?

I often hear people say how hard things are in clinic and I have often thought these words myself. We have a fantastic way of over complicating things and making stuff hard for ourselves, so much harder than it needs to be.

Life is hard.

Change is hard.

Changing beliefs is hard.

Everything is hard.

Our EGO’s have made up this fantastic story to make everything hard. We may have a belief from our parents that to be a good person you have to work hard. We often stop what we are doing, remaining safe and stagnant but bloody miserable because it is too hard. Sometimes we won’t even attempt something new or make changes that we actually know is good for us because it is too hard. It allows us to be victims, an excuse to stop or needing to slog it out to make it valuable. The too hard energy is a victim energy were we push our power away from us.

I had had enough of making things harder for myself, so I started using a new mantra. It is also something that I often ask my clients when they start to get into the too hard energy, and may of them now use this themselves.

What if it was easy?

When I start to slip into it is too hard, I have learnt to ask myself,

What if this was easy?

What would I be doing differently? How could I make it easier? Is fear getting in the way from making it easy? Do I need to accept where I currently am or what I am feeling?

By asking a questions like this we use a different part of our brain, which switches us from survival mode to creation mode. The brain will accept and create an easier solution that may come from within our inner wisdom not attached to ego, our intuition or from the universe. We also step out of that victim energy and bring back out power to ourselves.

So next time it all feels too hard, ask yourself what if this was easy? allow the answers and follow what you get. You make be amazed at how much easier life can be.

You truly are magnificent.

Acceptance

So many people are suffering and in pain due to their resistance to where they are at or what they are feeling. Before we can fully more forward, we have to accept where we currently are.  The other night I was out with a friend and I found myself complaining about a current situation I am in.  The next day I was reflecting on our conversation and I realised that I was in resistance to what is.  This resistance can show up in the stories you tell, or the thoughts that you have, the excuses you make or the blame that you make, for me it was coming up with the complaining I was doing and the internal dialogue around it.  I was actually really sick of this story that I had going on.  It was starting to bore me, a sure sign that it was time to let it go. So I took a deep breath and accepted where I currently am. I did some work around the resistance and got honest with myself.

What was I getting from staying in the resistance?

What fear was coming up around my current situation?

What do I need to move forward?

Once I asked the questions and owned my answers, letting go of the self-talk, the stories on repeat and my complaining, I decided to accept my situation. Once I accepted it without judgement or beating myself up over it and everything that entails, like my decisions, my actions or lack of, my resistance, all of it, I felt lighter. I could see that it was in the resistance that I was blocking flow.  In the resistance was my fear of the past and moving forward. In the resistance was my lack of trust in myself and the universe.  In the resistance was my feeling of not being enough. When you give yourself permission to be in acceptance, then it is easier to move forward and upward. Acceptance comes with kindness, compassion and no judgment. From this place I can see and feel clearly again, reconnected to my inner guidance and trust my intuition and take inspired action.

I also help clients see that it is ok to be who they are, to be where they are and to feel like they do.  My job is to unravel the stories, excuses, blame, fear and thoughts, with love, to show you that there is more, that they are not true and do not have to dictate who you are and what you can achieve. I unravel these stories, so that you can step ever closer to who you are, embracing the magnificent being that you are, underneath all the stories and be empowered to love and accept who you are and thrive in your life.  There is such power in acceptance. You truly are magnificent.

Choose your pain.

How often has someone in your life not treated you the way that you should be treated and you have allowed it by not speaking up for yourself or speaking your truth? Or perhaps you get walked all over by people because you have really loose or non-existent boundaries.

There are many reasons why you do this, most of them grounded in fear and unworthiness. You may have learnt to keep the peace and not rock the boat, so you stay quiet.

I often hear from people that they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings by standing up for themselves. You don’t know how the other person will react, that they won’t like it if you call out crappy behaviour, stand up for yourself or set boundaries.

You want the other person to like you and for you to feel like you fit in, so you enable the behaviour by saying nothing.  You make excuses for another’s behaviour because deep down you think that you don’t deserve better.

So you make the decision, you choose to stay quiet, even though you may be angry or upset at another’s behaviour and are really sick of these circumstances constantly showing up for you and how you are being treated.

You often have to choose your pain in these situations.

What do I mean by choose your pain?

You have to choose which pain you can live with in this situation. When you can be ok with your choices and the pain you choose, you take back your power.

If you say nothing, enabling the behaviour, then this will often lead to anger, resentment and often dreading seeing the person or the same thing happening with multiple people.  This can affect your self-worth and self-esteem and you may feel a sense of being a victim, as you are giving your power away to someone else and allowing them to dictate to you what happens in your own life.

Can you live with that anger and resentment?

Is it ok for you to say nothing?

If you say something, you don’t know what the person will say or how they will react, which can lead to feeling uncomfortable because of the unknown. You will set your boundaries and communicate this and the person will know where you stand, but you cannot control how the other person will receive this or if they will be happy with your choices.

Saying something will lead to feelings of empowerment, self-confidence and self-esteem even though at first you will feel uncomfortable, especially if you are not used to communicating in this way.

Are you ok with feeling uncomfortable speaking your truth?

Often by saying something you will have short term pain as the other person adjusts to your boundaries, but you will have long term gains as you communicate where you stand and what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

We also have to stop worrying about the other person and how they will feel. You cannot pave the way for another, especially out of fear. If you are communicating your truth from the heart and with integrity, and the other person does not appreciate that or agree with you, then that is on them, not you.

This is ok.

This type of communication can make us feel really vulnerable and it does take practice, but with that vulnerability comes courage, strength and your ability to thrive in your life and stand in your power.

Most of us will do anything to not feel uncomfortable, but it is through our discomfort that we learn the most. Your choices have a huge impact on your life. So whether you choose to stay quiet or choose to say something, know that your choices will cause some level of pain and will have an impact on your life and your future.

You deserve so much and it is time to remember how magnificent you truly are.