Boundaries

I have had many conversations over the years around boundaries. The last few weeks it is a theme amongst many of my business clients, as they are struggling with setting boundaries, boundaries not being respected by others or people who have no boundaries.

If you are not setting your boundaries, others will.

We want to help, to offer our services, make money to support ourselves and our families, that we often accommodate people to the detriment of ourselves.

This can lead to burnout, resentment, fatigue and anger. Not a great place to be, especially offering our services.

It is your responsibility and part of your job to set your boundaries, to honour them and communicate them.

So why do people lack boundaries?

There are many reasons.

Fear of how other people will react to our boundaries and not wanting to be confrontational.

Lack of self-worth and self-respect.

Inability to say no.

Don’t know how to communicate or set your boundaries.

Constantly giving your power away to other people.

Expecting others (people, organisations, government) to set rules for you, rather than listening to your own inner guidance and do what is right for you.

Needing to please other people.

So what does boundaries look like, feel like, and sound like to you?

This will depend entirely on you.

Your energy. The amount of money you want to earn. How much work you are able to physically do and be healthy. Your other commitments around family, your partner, friends, social and sport etc. What you will tolerate and what you won’t. What your values are and what is important to you.

If you are setting new boundaries, then others may not like that, as they are used to you being a certain way that benefitted them. 

It is not your problem how they react and is totally outside your control.

Each time you stay firm in your boundaries, you are sending a clear message that you value yourself. The more you do this, the easy it gets and the more people will respect you.

Do you know that you have to set a new boundary in life or business?

I would love to help you uncover the underlying belief systems and emotions that are holding you back. Bookings through my website.

You truly are magnificent.

Bypassing our Negativity

Many years ago I met a women who was proud that she was a really positive person. It was one of the very first things she said to me. She wore it like a badge of honour and looked down on people who were negative and believed that by not acknowledging the negative that it did not exist.  

The funny thing is though, she didn’t really act like she was happy, nor positive other than the words she spoke.  Being sensitive, I could feel her energy and she was not radiating joy and happiness. In fact her energy wasn’t positive at all.  

I got talking to her and she shared that her father had recently passed away.  I asked her how she was. At first she started sprouting all the cliché positive stuff when someone passes.  I touched her on the shoulder and I made a comment that yes, even though those sentiments are all true, it is still sad when someone you love passes on and the human part of us feels really sad when that happens and it is ok to feel that grief.

She broke down.

She hadn’t allowed herself to grieve, because of this positive bullshit belief she had going on. She used positivity as a shield, a brick wall, as she thought that she couldn’t get hurt and she wouldn’t have to feel.

When we don’t allow ourselves to feel any negative emotions, we call it bypassing.

This is not a healthy response for many reasons. 

When crappy things happen, if we don’t allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling and rather stuff the emotions down (often using things like food, drugs, alcohol, sex, excessive exercise etc) we suppress the emotions. This does not mean that those emotions do not exist.  The body and unconscious are storing these emotions, until a time when you are either ready to deal with them, or you are forced to deal with them. Something happens that all those suppressed emotions come up.  Often this something is totally unrelated and can be quite minor or it can be a big thing that seems even bigger because of the underlying issues.

Everybody suppresses emotions.

Many are supressing because they don’t want to feel.

We spend so much time and energy trying to not feel.

We are terrified of our emotions, because we may feel out of control, they often feel so big and overwhelming and many have not been encourage to express their emotions as children, so they have no idea how to feel them as adults.

When we do not want to feel the negative, we also don’t feel the positives as deeply either.

We can become numb and life losses its colour.

Here is the thing. 

The quicker you feel it, the quicker it moves through you and dissipates and you can move on.

When you feel it and it moves through you, you do not store it negatively in your body, as it has already been expressed.

We need to stop judging our emotions and start seeing them as a guidance system and start to allow ourselves to feel them.

Now I am not suggesting that you have a pity party and wallow around in your negative crap and wear that shit like a jacket of negativity. That is far from helpful. It is ok to feel the emotion, without judgement, let it move through your body and then you are able to move into higher states of being this way. 

The only way is through. 

Our emotions are beautiful.

Our emotions are powerful.

Our emotions allow us to shift our consciousness.

We are emotional beings and our emotions are a gift. 

If you need help with your emotional intelligence or baggage, book a session and lets start getting you back to centre and in your power.

You truly are magnificent.

Your body is always listening.

There is much emphasis on food and nutrition, and rightly so, but there is a huge component of health and well-being that also has a huge impact. This component?

Our minds.

Our mindset.

Our beliefs.

Our thoughts.

Putting it simply if your beliefs and thoughts are crap, then your wellbeing and life usually are too.

You see our body is constantly listening. What your dominate thoughts and beliefs are, what you feed your subconscious, is your truth.

My Life is crap. True.

Life is hard. True.

I am not worthy. True.

As well as positive like.

I am good enough. True.

I am smart. True.

Money comes to me easily. True.

So how does our beliefs and thoughts affect us?

The ruler of the body is the subconscious mind. It is in charge of all the automatic functions of the body.  Digestion, your heat beating, your breathing, circulation of your blood, the making of hormones, assimilation, elimination of waste products and so much more.  It holds and stores memories, emotions and trauma. It is in charge of our instincts and our habits. It has resources at its disposal to keep us alive, to build and repair our bodies. It is attached to the universal mind or quantum field and has infinite possibilities and power at its disposal.  It works whether we are asleep or awake.

The subconscious mind does not think.

It does not judge.

It does not reject.

It uses exactly what it is given by the conscious mind.

The ruler of the sub conscious mind is the conscious mind. The two are constantly talking and responding to each other.  

Our conscious mind perceives, reasons, chooses, rejects and judges. It gives us the power to think, to know, to feel.  It gathers information from our external environment, as well as from our bodies and our subconscious mind, from our senses and we use our reasoning power to make sense of it, to judge, reject or accept.

If we accept a thought, idea or belief, then it is carried to the subconscious mind to be acted on.

It doesn’t matter if that thought, idea or belief is positive or negative, if the conscious mind accepts it, then it goes into the subconscious.

A lot of these beliefs and patterns and thoughts we learnt, constructed, inherited, witnessed or experienced are from childhood, so we often have no idea what they are or you may be fully aware of them.

An example of this is when you were at school, a teacher made a comment or laughed at your art work not being very good.  You created this belief that you suck at art.  So this belief your conscious mind has chosen to accept goes through to the sub conscious. All the thoughts in your head are about how bad you are at art, how people laugh at you if you create anything, so you believe that you’re not creative.  Then as an adult you want to try some new creative pursuits, but the thoughts in your head are saying you are not creative, because the pattern in your body is that when you try to be creative you have a fear reaction due to what you experienced as a kid with emotions like shame, humiliation, frustration etc thrown in for good measure. It doesn’t feel good. So you stop or never try to be creative.

If you are constantly telling yourself that you can’t do something, or you are always sick, or you are unlucky in love or whatever else you tell yourself, guess what?  You are right and you will go looking for validation of that belief, because the body is always listening.

The good news is we can change patterns, ideas and thoughts, therefore changing the subconscious too.

It starts with awareness.

What are you saying to yourself?

What do you believe?

What do you often say?

What stories do you tell?

It starts with changing our thoughts and perceptions.

It starts with challenging all your beliefs and thoughts.

You are not your thoughts.

You can change your beliefs.

This work is powerful and empowering.

I love helping people shift out of their crap, and showing them where their power lies.

When we start to address, challenge and change our perceptions, life also starts to change.  When we become aware of our beliefs, stop believing our thoughts, get help (because it is so much easier for someone to help us in this work) life becomes so much easier.

Because you are worthy of being happy, but you have to choose it.

You have to make the steps to change. Click on the book now button to start to thrive in your life.

This work has changed my life, so I know how powerful it is.

You truly are magnificent.

Lessons learnt behind closed doors.

Before the hard lockdown, in between the lockdowns, here in Melbourne, I had a kinesiology session. I always walk my talk and I had some stuff come up around friendships and my feelings around that.  During this session I had to look at some beliefs around living my life and what that means to me, who I want in it, how I want to be treated, what I want to do etc.  

It came up during the session that for me, I was more afraid of not being able to live my life on my terms then death.

So the loom of a hard lockdown did not go down well.

It literally felt like dying.

This session helped so much, both in how I managed lockdown and clarity around what freedom meant to me and my life.

One of the things I identified and actioned to help me move forward was how I wanted to feel each day. By tuning into my inner guidance, asking myself the question and doing what my inner wisdom told me to do, I took back my power. I was fully responsible for what my day looked and felt like, what I was being, and doing. It felt so much better than being a victim to outside circumstances.

You see I get to decide how I want to feel each day, so How did I want to go about me day.   

Freedom comes from within me, and not be any government or media outlet.

Most days it was to bring joy, to feel light and free and allow the sunshine or the light in each day.

I asked my inner guidance how I could bring in the joy each day.

What did that look like?

It varied each day and sometimes moment to moment. Here are some of the things that I did and have continued to do.

Reading a book on my front step in the sunshine and seeing and connecting with people walking past.

A coffee purchased from a local coffee shop made by lovely people.

Certain foods for lunch.

Doing a jigsaw puzzle.

Knitting a few squares of my scrapping blanket.

Ringing or catching up with friends on zoom.

Colouring in.

Listening to something on Youtube, playing my favourite music or song or watching a movie.

Going for a walk.

Journaling.

Meditating.

Having a bath.

It was surprising how simple some of those things were that gave me so much joy.

One of the best lessons I have learnt coming out the other end of lockdown is that identifying how my attitude and perspective around everything is where my power lies. I can choose in any given moment, how I want to feel, what something means to me and changing my view on that thing if I need or choose to. It means allowing myself to be in my power to be me fully and unapologetically. I can make something mean something or nothing.

It felt so freeing.

That by being me and shining my light brightly out into the world, whatever I am doing, is the most important thing for me to do.

Not water myself down.

Not censoring myself.

Not making myself less than the bloody amazing human being that I am.

Not allowing shitty stories and thoughts dictate who I am and how I interact with people.

Being the shiniest version of me I can be.

Do you know what gives you joy or things you can do to help you feel the way you want to feel?

What a fantastic education this life is and in particular 2020.

What a time to be alive.

Always remember.

You truly are magnificent.

You are immensely valuable.

I have been seeing a lot of people posting about using this physical distancing time on self-development, bettering themselves and using the time wisely.

Essentially replacing our previous busyiness into a new busyiness,

There has been a belief that busy and doing equated to being valuable. Now that we are not as busy and our lives have slowed down, the external markers of validation are simpler not there.

So to prove our worth, to be valuable, we must improve ourselves right?

The thing is that at the moment our nervous system and flight/fight response maybe doing weird things.

We may be struggling with concentration, have trouble sleeping, got no motivation and or feeling fearful.

There is 2 markers that have an impact in traumatic experiences

  1. The feeling of not being able to escape.
  2. Not being able to work out or make sense of something.

Both of those are currently happening in most people lives.

We are learning how to BE versus how to DO.

We are being invited to break the belief of needing external validation and learning to value and embrace our being.

If you are loving self-development, have high motivation, have creative ideas and being innovative, fantastic! Keep on going.

If you aren’t or know someone who isn’t, please be kind.  Don’t feel ashamed or bad that you are not feeling it. Sitting and watching TV or reading a book is also valuable.

You are immensely valuable.

You truly are magnificent.

Anger and Grief

Many I have spoken to are feeling a combination of anger and grief.

Anger at the injustice of the virus and the changes forced upon us.

Anger at the poor communication and leadership at the head of our country.

Anger at the messages that the economy is more important than human lives.

Anger at some people not being responsible and putting others in danger and the disregard for our fellow human beings.

Anger at the loss of businesses, jobs, salary and wages and security.

So much anger.

Then along comes grief.

Grief around the changes forced upon us.

Grief at the realisation of how much of an illusion we were under.

Grief on being isolated and away from friends and family.

Grief for a loss of routine and the way we were living.

Grief at the loss of our perceived safety and security.

Grief of not knowing what is next.

These type of feeling and emotions are the ones that we usually try really hard not to engage in. 

They are so uncomfortable.

Now we are being forced to slow down and to start listening and processing these emotions.

This is not a bad thing, even though it may feel really terrible at the moment.

We are feeling angry because we feel out of control and frustrated.

We are feeling grief to release what we no longer need.

Whatever you are feeling is ok. It is going to change throughout the day. Allow and accept how you are feeling.

It is in the resistance that we start to suffer.

If you need to cry, cry.

If you need to yell, then yell into a pillow.

If you need to vent, then vent.

If you need to move your body, move your body.

If you need to sit with it, then sit.

We are being asked to self soothe and not many people know how to do this, so start by being kind to yourself.

When you are ready, some self-reflection is a great way to move through the emotions and to gain wisdom.

Anger is an opportunity. Anger means that you are not understanding something.

Look at where and what you are angry about and see if there is an opportunity.

What are you not understanding?

Could you do something like write to your local MP, start a side business that you have been dreaming about for years, reach out and help a neighbour?

Grief needs to be processed by you alone and at your own time.

Some self-reflection questions for this could be

What am I needing or ready to let go of?

What is the lesson here for me?

The quicker we can move to acceptance, the quicker we can end our own suffering and be able to move forward in a calmer and more relaxed manner.

As always remember,

You truly are magnificent.

Self Responsibility and self care in a crisis.

There has been so much anger, rage, grief and fear being released here in Australia due to the bush fires.  I have had many conversations with different people around what they are feeling and what they can do in this time and what it all means. 

Something that we can do and is really important is to take personal responsibility for our self-care and for the energy we are bringing and emitting in each moment. From this place of responsibility we can then take action where we are called.

I have found myself crying many times and being sucked into the fear and rage.

I have been so fucking angry.

I have been so scared for my fellow Australians.

I have been feeling Guilty.

Guilt over where I live and being safe. Guilt over not being able to help more. Guilt that this was happening to good people.

Scrolling through social media and fuelling that pain and discomfort I was feeling and putting that energy out into the collective

It is hard to sit in that discomfort and upset when you are seeing you fellow brothers and sisters in such pain.

But how was this helping?

I am responsible for my heart and my life.

What energy was I putting out into the collective? More fear? More anger?

Me being hysterical and fearful was not helping.

I stopped scrolling and have limited my social media.

 I upped my self-care, and meditated and journaled and took magnesium.

Looking after myself is not being selfish, but essential for my own mental health and what I can do moving forward.

My life, my responsibility.

I ground my energy.

I connected to the earth.

I donated money.

We are in a marathon, not a sprint. People are going to need ongoing support, which means we all have to look after ourselves, so that we can look after those that need it.

Please don’t underestimate how powerful you are and the energy you send out, which only you are responsible for.

You truly are magnificent.